Whale:iPhone :: Shark:Razr

FACT.

Whales are really old. There are undoubtedly some young whale punks out there skateboarding on icebergs and such, but the whales who have been around for awhile are impressively ancient. The best way of dating a whale is looking at aspartic acid in its eye lenses, but the AWESOMER way of dating a whale is by finding extremely old harpoons embedded inside of it. Evidence (harpoon-based and otherwise) has shown that whales can reach over 200 years old. I linked to the Times article first so you wouldn't think this was an internet hoax, but this Daily Mail piece is worth checking out as well--it includes photos of the harpoon fragments as well as this quote from whaling expert John Bockstoce:

"It probably hurt the whale, or annoyed him, but it hit him in a non-lethal place," said Mr Bockstoce. "He couldn't have been that bothered if he lived for another 100 years."

You know how long sharks live? About twenty years. Sharks could never be elected President, never drive a rental car at reduced rates--in fact, only Doogie Howseresque shark prodigies would ever even graduate college. Do we really want to live in a world that celebrates that kind of laziness? Down with Shark Week, up with Whale Week!

Apparently it is Shark Week, as evidenced by everyone being all "It's Shark Week!"

Here's the thing. Shark Week is super lame for the following reasons:

1. Sharks do not kill anyone on purpose. They will attack if provoked, but they're not ACTIVELY trying to murder you. Passive danger is completely uninteresting. You know what else has the ability to kill you but doesn't actually want to? Let's see: dented cans of ravioli, sinkholes, old people who can't drive, rusty nails, and four inches of water (babies only). We do not have Weeks dedicated to those things, nor should we.
2. Sharks aren't even that big. They are regular-sized. I bet there are lots of tunas that are just as big as sharks, and more delicious.
3. Sharks don't do anything particularly interesting. Many animals, while neither interested in nor equipped to kill you, are full of antics that humans like us find enjoyable to watch. For example: meerkats, squirrels, some varieties of birds, and river otters. Sharks have no interest in holding each others' paws, getting on and off subway cars like they think they're people, falling into garbage cans, or really doing anything remotely amusing.

For these and other reasons, I propose that in 2010 we replace Shark Week with WHALE WEEK. We don't necessarily need Whale Week every year--indeed, we should probably start thinking sometime in early 2011 about what animal we want to feature next year--but I think Whale Week will be a good transitional Week as we move from sharks to more interesting, more awesome, and less stupid animals.

As part of this year's Whale Week celebration, I will be featuring some Whale Facts in upcoming Movering posts.*

*please note that if I have ever in my entire life had a drink with you, I have probably already told you these Whale Facts. Just do like you always do and pretend you haven't heard them before, okay?

If you make chili at 8:30am and then at 5pm realize that (a) you have to be at a step aerobics class in twenty minutes and therefore (b) you need to put your contact lenses in, but (c) your hands are covered with jalapeno, then here is what you do:

1) Get the Saran wrap from the kitchen and bring it into the bathroom.

2) Carefully wrap the index finger and thumb of each hand in Saran wrap. Nice and tight!

3) Use your newly wrapped fingers to put in contacts (warning: this will be extremely challenging, so try not to drink beforehand)

4) Success! Your contacts are in and your eyes are not burning. Don't forget to remove the Saran wrap.

5) Bonus advice: DO NOT GO TO THAT STEP AEROBICS CLASS. It will be terrible and you will be the only one who doesn't know the routine (what the hell is a "helicopter"??) and at one point you will literally fall off your step, which you might think is impossible what with it being only four inches off the ground but IT WILL HAPPEN. Do something more productive with your non-burny eyes. Might I recommend Netflix?